THE MOMMY WAR

My husband and I ran out for a few errands today. We took our son with us, and as we were walking out the door, I said "Do you think we need a coat for the baby?" and we looked at the sunny sky and said "Nah, we're going to be inside Home Depot anyways, we don't need a coat."

En route to Home Depot, my mother called and we decided to rendezvous at a park so that she could see her grandson. I got to the park a bit earlier than her, and discovered a nice wee playground that was just toddler sized and we started playing. This playground is located on little boardwalk in the uber-trendy part of town, and it wasn't long before the coldest wind EVER kicked up and my kid was sort of shivering, but having the time of his life in the 3 million dollar playground.

After a few minutes, a little family rolls up with their $1000 stroller. Mom, who is well over forty years old, is wearing a white trench coat and stilletos. I kid you not. Stilletos in the playground. Dad is decked out in super trendy golf shorts and flashy kicks, while their toddler was in head to toe designer duds. His outfit probably cost more than our car. However, this child was very cute and exactly the same size as my baby, so they began making friends.

I asked how old this little guy was, and his mother replied " 16 months". I said "Oh, our little guys are the same age!".

She said "Really?, how old is your baby?"

"15 months", I replied.

"Oh, what's his birthday?" I tell her and she says in bitch-mama voice "Well, they are actually SIX weeks apart, and that's a long time when they are this age." obviously implying that her kid is the shit, while mine some delayed little idjit.

In the fakest friendly voice I could muster, I said "I guess six weeks is a big gap, he probably has more words than my little guy, hey?"

"Oh, yes, he says 'Mama' and 'Dada' and 'Nana'" While saying this, she nearly topples over while crouching in the sawdust in her Manolo Blahniks . I look down at my Payless flats and say "That's all he says? My little Grasshopper here says 'ball' and 'flower' and 'puppy' and 'truck' and 'wow' and 'uh-oh'..." I trail off as I see her eyes narrow.

"Is your baby shivering? Didn't you bring him a coat?" She assess me critically, noticing my ghetto shoes and the sweat suit my son is wearing. It screams "Walmart". "Maybe we have one we can lend you..." I can tell she thinks I'm a bad mother. She bends down and rubs my sons arms as if to warm him. "You poor cold little baby!"

Just then her husband's phone rings and he says "Sorry honey, I have to get this, it's my contractor."

I eavesdrop and hear him say "Hey, yeah, thanks for getting back to me, I was thinking I want to build a playground in my backyard for my son. I was wondering what you thought was better, do you want me to get one of those put-it-together yourself kits, or can you build something yourself." He looks over at my son with pity, obviously thinking, if the kid doesn't even come to the park with a coat, his mother could never afford to bestow him with the benefits of personal playground equipment. "Okay, sure, yeah, whatever you think is best for him....yeah, we'll get together and draw up some plans then, that's great. Okay, Tuesday..."

I gather my son up in my arms and blow on his fingers as my mother arrives. "We're going to go with Grandma now, okay buddy?" A little dog walks by and the other little boy points and says "gah-gah-gah!" while my little grasshopper says "Mama! Pup-pup WOOF!" You do me proud, son.

I'm not exactly sure of the rules of engagement, but think I won this mommy-war. My younger (and in your eyes, dumber) kid kicked your kid's vocabulary ass. And while your kid is playing silently all by himself on his personal playgound, my son will be learning how to socialize, and talk to other people, to share and to resolve conflict. And wearing Blahniks to the park proves that he won't be getting any good IQ DNA from you, so I think I won that mommy war too.

PEE ON THIS...

Referring back to the pregnancy tests from Mama A's Wednesday blog, I actually have three that I'll never use and would love to give away. I don't even want to look at them, they give me nightmares. I've peed on two pregnancy tests in the past two years, and as luck - or whatever - would have it, they both came back positive. I'm now the proud mother of a 9 month old, and am 5 months pregnant with baby #2, I am getting my tubes tied immediately, on the delivery table) So honestly, I will give these pregnancy tests away to anyone, for free. I will mail them to you, or stealthily deliver them if you are in any way embarrassed (I could put them in a pizza box? a heart-shaped candy box? a little white bag labeled 'birth control' ha ha now that would be ironic) and if you are grounded I will even drive them to your house and you can lower a little rope down from your bedroom window. I hope the test results have the answer you were hoping for.

Bad Luck With Bus Seatmates

Today, I sat down on the bus with my son in a front carrier. The lady beside me looked elderly and friendly. She began cooing over the kiddo and then reached out and patted his cheek. But instead of pulling her hand away, she began to rub his nose.

Call me crazy, but I'm not really down with strangers rubbing their hand germs up my kid's nose.

She then proceeded to tell me about her granddaughter, who is 8 months old and is "being raised by her 6 and 8 year old brothers". These brothers apparently look after her "all the time" and play with her all day long. She told me she is really glad they had a sister because otherwise they'd turn out to be misogynists.

Just when I thought she couldn't get weirder, she informed me in a very serious voice to "always keep an eye on your son. NEVER let him out of your sight. Not even for a second. There are crazy people out there." (yeah, I know, I'm talking to one)

She pulled a plastic bag out of her wallet bag and wrapped in a piece of newspaper inside the bag was a picture, which she handed to me. It was a family portrait of her daughter and grandsons taken before her granddaughter was born. She said "My daughter was very, very pretty when she was little and I would take her to the beach. People would come up and ask me for directions, and I would go to my daughter - go straight to her - because I knew that they were KIDNAPPERS." She said the word "kidnappers" in this loud, scary whisper.

What do you say to that? I just mumbled something and looked in the opposite direction until she got of the bus.

Note to self - next time, pick seat next to scary, weird looking person, they are probably less strange than the friendly looking grandmother.

Because This Is Way Too Funny Not To Go Down In Internet History

Free Pregnancy Test (Never been peed on) (Ocean City)
Reply to: sale-832914446@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-08, 1:53PM PDT


So, a while back, I purchased one of those two-pack First Response pregnancy tests. The first test I peed on popped positive, so I did the second one the next day. Again positive. Not quite convinced, Juno styles, I purchased a second two-pack and shockingly the next test I did was also positive. By this time, I was pretty sure of my knocked-uppedness and didn't do the fourth test.

While cleaning out a drawer this week, I found this final test. I don't need it, as I now have a seven month old baby and will never let my husband touch my vagina ever again.

So, if you think you may be pregnant, and want to save your self some money, you can have the test. You can even use my bathroom, which is a far cry nicer than the public restroom I used for my first pregnancy test. I'll even put out a clean towel, light a scented candle and make sure there is three-ply toilet paper on the roll. Seeing as I've seen three positive pregnancy tests, I think I'm pretty good at interpreting them, and can help you if you're unsure if the test is positive or negative. In fact, if you use my bathroom and your eggo is preggo, I can either be really happy with you and give you enthusiastic congratulations, or give you a paper bag if you start hyperventilating and rub your back while you cry. I'm really good at both.

When you're here, you can see two babies at different stages of development (my friend and her three month old baby live with me) so that you can sort of see what you're in for and how messy your house will get after your baby is born. I can also give you a list of the best pregnancy books to read, and which ones to avoid. I can also give you a list of good care providers to see during your pregnancy. Trust me, the drug store won't be nearly this nice to you.

Email and we can set up a time for you to come by.

###

I posted this to Craigslist in September. I got over 100 emails about it, but no one came and picked it up. For a couple of weeks a corresponded with a 15 year old who was fearful that she was pregnant and wanted to come and get it, but she was grounded and wasn't allowed to leave the house. Girlfriend, you can get out of the house to get jiggy with some zitty high school punk, but you can't get out of the house to come visit a nice mama who's giving you a free pee stick? No way. After a few emails discussing symptoms it seemed incredibly obvious to me, but not to her, that she was most absolutely definitely pregnant and I told her she should be going to a midwife or a doctor, not my house for my pregnancy test. She was reluctant to do so, and I gave her info for a the nearest Pregnancy Options Center and she never wrote back.

So, my little test languished in the drawer until I ended up using it in a panic one day when my period was late and I convinced my self that hell had frozen over and I was pregnant. Fortunately, I'm breastfeeding, and my period is late all the time, so it was a false alarm. (So, yes, that does mean that my husband did eventually touch my vagina again)